Brroks 1, Fear 0

I am an angry person. I have a lot of anger that has been building up in me for a long time. I would say it is fair that 90% of this anger is focused at my father. For what he did to my mother, my brother, and what he did to myself.

I have had a completely irrational fear of my father my whole life. Even when I hadn't seen him in years I still got chills at the thought of him. Every move I made there was a fear that he would somehow hurt me. And until today I didn't know why.

I came to Springfield to help my mother with some projects on her house and we discussed how I was finally ready to find and confront my father and shed the anger that has built for so long. I was sitting down telling my brother about my plan when my mother mentioned that she was afraid that if I faced him all the fear would come back. And it was then that my brother hit me with the bomb. He told me that when we were kids he would shut me in my room in the dark and yell at me. Horrible things!!! I don't remember this event, but when my brother told me, I felt that it was true.

He conditioned me to fear him and it has worked for 20 years. When this hit me I thought all the anger was gonna burst out of me. Then i began to tear up emotionally. It was at this point that I began praying that God would take the pain, he would take the hurt and make it all not true. And as I prayed I began to remember tidbits from my childhood. Happy tidbits. Vacations, parties, friends. It came flushing back. God opened a door for me. And I took his hand and walked through it.

I learned today that he has always been my true father and that if I trust in him everything will be opened to me. I emblazoned on my arm a symbol to remind me that when life shuts the door, God opens it up.