You Have my Attention!!!

Today has been a pretty horrible day! Halfway through it I had a mild freak-out, which I wlll discuss in a moment. When I got home I discovered that I have 5 dollars to my name after bills. Then when running to the bank to get the rent check my dog crapped in my car. And not a little bit either. It was as big as his head. After cleaning it up I began to wonder. Is God trying to get my attention?

Let me discuss the events of today's freak-out. My whole life, as stated previously, I have shaped myself based on the people around me. Always putting on a new face to please the crowd. To hide my own pain and suffering beneath many layers of deception. Along this journey of worrying more about what others thought, and shaping myself to who they thought I should be, I have lost me. I have no idea who I am.

I do not know what is real and what is another fabrication. A fabrication meant to deter others from getting in and seeing my inner pain and anguish. I feel like a silhouette. A shadow living amongst humans. I feel hollow in the sense that I know not what is real or false. This is a horrible feeling for those who don't know.

In my past what was real? What did I do or say that was real and not a mental trap for myself to survive? Do I really love my mother? Do I really want to be a pastor? Do I really care about anyone? Have I ever done anything that was real? Are the decisions I make the real me or another face I'm wearing?

I knew that by beginning down this path I would face blocks and potholes. I knew I would face the darkness within myself. I knew I would be confronting Satan with naught but my flesh and my breath. Dark, tired, and alone I would face the world.

But I'm not alone. Like a commander of light God is with me. No matter what happens to me I have God with me now. I have his son walking the path with me. Picking me up when I fall. Brushing me off when I am dirty. Giving me water when I am thirsty and feeding me when I am hungry.

I feel like God is about to reveal something huge to me. Something that will rock the very foundation of me. God I am listening. You have before you a humbled man with no identity of his own, ready to be shaped to what you want and need him to be. God I have been torn down to the bottom of my being to be rebuilt in your light. To be used to do your work in this world that has forgotten you. I make myself yours God. To do with me what you see fit. God you have my undivided attention!