The Beginning

This is my first online Blog. With this tool I hope to come to better understand myself and to become more appreciative of my good qualities and work to shed the bad. I hope to walk the path toward pastoral ministry and service to God and mankind. I have recently put myself under some rather serious scrutiny and learned several things about myself.

1) I am tired of not being happy with myself.
2) I am tired of living in a state of almost constant fear. Fear of myself, my decisions, my father, failure, who I have become, hurting others, hurting myself, and of losing everything.
3) I am tired of being overweight.
4) I am tired of smoking.
5) I am tired of not having motivation or drive.
6) I am tired of being an angry person. I am tired of being full if anger. Anger toward my father, the world, and sometimes even God.
7) I am tired of hiding who I am.
8) I am tired of basing my self worth on those around me.
9) I am tired of lacking confidence in myself.
10) I am tired of letting other people take my power away.

A little about myself.
I was born in Iola, KS to a wonderful mother and an abusive father. I don't think he ever touched me, because I have mentally blocked the first 8 years of my life, but he was verbally abusive. "You'll never be anything." "You'll never become anyone." This lead to a personal lack of confidence and fear of failure in myself. I have a younger brother who also suffered some effects from the abuse but he can get his own blog. My parents got a divorce when I was 8. Coincidence that this is the first thing I remember? I saw my father a couple times after that but not much.
We moved in with my grandparents Mema and Papa in Springfield, MO. Two people who would do anything for one of us. My grandpa used to say he'd walk through hell in gasoline soaked under-britches for my brother or myself. After 2 years we finally had enough to get our own place. My mother worked as a General Manager for Hardee's, back when they weren't horribly over priced for low quality food, and we ended up moving to Mt. Vernon, MO. When I was 12 I almost lost my mother in a car accident. She shattered three vertebrae and we ended up back with my grandparents. I spent my 13th birthday, a big day for any kid, in a hospital, my mother in a back brace and wheel chair.
She was always a survivor, but amazed the doctors when, even after they said she'd never walk, came back from it and we got a place in Springfield. HSA government housing. We spent the next year on food stamps. I'll never forget that year. When I was 14 I was doing algebra homework one night and my girlfriend at the time called me crying. My best friend had commited suicide. It crushed me. My only ally in a world that patronizes and tortures the fat kid. I spent a whole week crying my eyes out and contemplating joining her in the afterlife. For 6 years anger had built and I didn't even realize it. I began acting out toward those who bullied me at school. I was an animal. I ended up in anger management at 14.
I finally straightened myself out and got past her death when I went to high school. I was in band, choir, and theatre. Performance helped me to step out of myself and not see my obvious problems and flaws.
Throughout my childhood and high school years I searched for meaning. I started going to church but found nothing but judgement and hypocrisy. I was treated like an outcast which did help my already confused and agressive psyche. I began thinking, is Jesus this way too? All I wanted was acceptance. Someone to listen to me. To appreciate what I had to say. I didn't go back to church again.
When I got to college I fell in with a group of pagans. They were great. They listened to me, supported me, enjoyed talking and socializing with me and I had my first group of friends. I began studying their practices and became a pagan myself. Rituals, spells, magic, the whole shebang. and it was in this group that I found the acceptance I had longed for. But I never stopped thinking about and talking to Jesus. However, I did become a warrior against Christians and Christianity, both for how they treated me and how I saw them treating others. I was pretty dangerous. I learned everything I could about the bible to use it as a weapon against the church and it's followers.
Seven years later I found myself in Arkansas with my ex-fiance, who I met in this group of friends. After a horrible break up I fell in with a girl I worked with. She was a Christian and a good one. When I left my ex I found myself in her parents house until I could find a place to live. She and I ended up getting an apartment in Prairie Grove and are still roommates. One night while in her house I began thinking about my life and about Jesus. After some soul searching and crying, I found myself in God's arms again.
I began thinking about Christianity and the church and met a great pastor, who was also my supervisor at the time. While reading a book he gave me, Blue Like Jazz, I was chosen by God. I felt his hand on me and I felt him say. "It's time Brooks. Come be a warrior for me. Use what you have learned for me now." I was left in awe. I couldn't believe it. God spoke to me. After everything I had done to his people and his church I had been chosen.
As I began reading my bible again I remembered once hearing about Saul of Tarsus and realized how close our stories of coming to God were. He and I both persecuted the church and its followers and both of us, after a run in with God, became chosen to champion him. It was from this point I finally knew where god wanted me. I am going to be a pastor and a warrior for God. But before I can become a warrior for him I have to work on myself. Remove my doubts, my fear and my anger. I have to help myself before I help others. As I work toward my goal of serving God I am also going to begin reshaping myself into who I should be and who God wants me to be. I am going to lose weight and get healthy, quit smoking, confront my father, shed my fear and my anger, and grow strong in the light of Christ.